Breakups can be complex and challenging. In the aftermath of a breakup, many people struggle with transitioning out of the relationship that consumed so much of their time and energy. The question of, “should I remain in contact with my ex?” is a complicated one and the answer comes with nuance. Read on to learn more about going no contact with an ex-partner.
What Science Say About Breakups
No matter your reasons for ending a relationship, that post-breakup period can feel like a jarring experience. According to evolutionary psychologists, breakups trigger the same physiological and behavioral responses designed to keep us alive through the preservation of close bonds and interconnected groups.
Separation may lead to a state called “primal panic,” a disruption in our bodies stress hormones, and an intense impulse to re-establish contact. These reactions are natural within the frameworks of evolution and attachment; and typically subside with time and a re-established sense of safety.
To lessen our bodies’ primal response, some mental health experts recommend a more gradual decrease in contact with your ex-partner. Given the delicacy of our emotions in this state, Christina Bell, Registered Psychologist, asserts “if we do not have some sort of way to connect with our ex, the experience can be overwhelming and re-traumatizing.”
Research that supports this stance include the following: In one breakup study, the majority of exes who transitioned to friendship reported positive outcomes in that it mitigated negative aspects involved in separation. This choice may be especially relevant if kids, mutual friends/communities, or joint business ventures are involved. Additionally, in congruence with the gradual disengagement model, these friendships usually dissolved with time.
Another study found that exes who remained social media friends reported lower negative feelings, sexual desire, and longing in comparison to exes who unfriended each other yet still saw reminders of their former partner online. Indeed, in an ever-connected world of social media and intermingled friend groups, it may not always be possible to cut out all traces of a person who was in your life.
A final study showed that highest levels of post-separation psychological adjustment were associated with exes who both accepted their separation and continued nonsexual contact. The lowest levels of adjustment were associated with exes who did not accept their separation, yet discontinued sexual contact; this points to attachment processes that may still be operating in the post-breakup period for a physical sense of stability.
In spite of the above, recent traction towards the ‘no contact rule’ has been popularized by media outlets, relationship coaches, podcasters, influencers, and psychologists alike; and this approach is not without research backing either.
What is The ‘No Contact Rule’?
The rule implies going cold turkey and immediately cutting off all forms of communication with your ex for at least 60 days or sometimes longer. It does not deny the effects of primal panic; however proponents such as Dr. Ernesto Lira De La Rosa, PhD, argue that, “if you continue to stay in contact, there is a possibility that the emotions will continue to remain high in intensity.”
By not allowing yourself to contact your ex as you cope through your own pain and grief, you may differentiate between “wanting” them and “needing” them. This mobilizes your internal resources of strength, resilience, and self-efficacy. Additionally, the no contact rule works to reduce confusion and the chances of falling back into a relationship that simply wasn’t serving you.
Post-breakup communication may be especially unfruitful if you experienced a toxic relationship/toxic person/toxic people or you still feel angry towards your ex-partner. However even if this wasn’t the case, going no contact can provide you a clearer structure to move forward.
You may be more likely to reconnect with all the family members and friends whom you previously depended on. You’ll have the chance to redefine your priorities and values and you’ll open up space in your life to resume hobbies, interests, or elements of yourself that may have been abandoned. Through all of this re-engaging with yourself, you’ll find what makes you happy without your ex-partner.
The Research Regarding No Contact Efforts
In the Griffith study mentioned earlier, exes who remained friends due to unresolved romantic desires- rather than reasons of civility, practicality, or security- reported overwhelmingly negative outcomes. In Marshall’s study above, those same exes who reported lower distress post-breakup also reported lower personal growth.
And in the Mason’s study previously mentioned, poor psychological adjustment was reported by participants who continued nonsexual contact yet hadn’t achieved separation acceptance. And as well by participants who continued sexual contact yet had already moved past their stage of acceptance.
So, Which Approach is Right For You?
When it comes to the decision of going no contact or not after a breakup, it’s important to remember that context is everything. There are no hard and fast rules around how to exit a relationship. Knowing which approach is right for you is both personal and interpersonal. What matters is respecting each other’s boundaries, perspectives, and the unique dynamic you two have developed- while staying in touch with your own needs.
For some people, a friendly relationship with someone they’ve grown to cherish and appreciate- whom they’ve also invested time and emotional resources in- may feel rewarding, and there is absolutely nothing wrong about that. For others, separating themselves fully from a situation or individual may be what’s best, both for self-protection and a sense of wellbeing. Separating from a partner is a right everyone holds and shouldn’t be looked down upon, if that is an individual’s choice.
If you’re struggling to decide which approach is right for your unique situation, you might consider speaking to a trained professional, such as a therapist or relationship coach. Again, breakups can be an incredibly difficult time to manage and you never have to do so alone.
Note: The recommendation in cases such as abuse or emotional manipulation acts as an exception; in the presence of an abusive cycle, please cut off all forms of contact in the safest way possible, with the counsel of a mental health professional, if possible.
0 Comments