When the going gets tough in your relationships, what is your gut reaction?
Do you feel like you spend most of your time pleasing other people? Or do you have a hard time knowing how to meet your needs?
Maybe you feel like you don’t see a fight response or flight response in yourself, but you notice one of the two lesser-known responses: the freeze and fawn responses.
You might be wondering, what exactly are the freeze and fawn responses?
They are both a trauma response that can stem from events in childhood, and they both involve symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
What is the Freeze Response?
This response is paralyzing. You are so overwhelmed by fear that your body stops.
You stop thinking, stop moving, and, in some cases, stop breathing.
Because your body stops, it is an unconscious act of dissociation with whatever is happening around you. This response is also associated with “shell shock” or basic post-traumatic reactions. If you have the “freeze” response early in life, you may be predisposed to experience freeze symptoms later in life.
What is the Fawn Response?
Different from the fight, flight and freeze responses, the fawn response points to people-pleasing.
Though people-pleasing is not the only manifestation of fawning, it tends to be the most evident sign.
Pete Walker was a pioneer in defining “fawning.” Walker says this response is developed in childhood to avoid mistreatment from adults.
Fawn responses can be any number of things but are nervous attempts to deflect attention. This can mean flattery, admission to toxic relationships, or complete destruction of personal boundaries.
People who fawn tend to deny their preferences and boundaries to make other people happy. They unconsciously believe that the price for relational security is compliance. They think that if they make others happy, they will be in less danger.
Do I Show the Fawn Response?
Sometimes those who show the fawn response don’t even know they are fawning, and they have likely experienced positive feedback from others in return, so it may not register as a problematic behavior.
Think you may fall into this category? Think back to any time conflict has come up. You can start by asking yourself these questions to find out:
Do I put my needs aside to make others feel better?
Do I feel empty in relationships after giving too much of myself?
Do I avoid conflict at all costs?
Do I feel everyone’s emotions all at once?
Do I think I am responsible for making everyone happy?
If you answered yes to more than two of these questions, it is likely your default is the fawn response.
Why Do I Fawn?
There is not a short answer to why someone may show the fawn response. Generally, those that fawn are extremely empathetic and would rather take the emotional blow than someone else, the price of admission in relationships, and fawn types seek safety in interpersonal dynamics.
The most popular theory on fawning comes from Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs.) These are events usually happen before the child is eighteen years old and can impair children for the rest of their lives.
Adverse Childhood Experiences can range from poverty to neglect to abuse at home. Continuances of these events can establish negative thought patterns early-on.
When our brains are still developing, we will do anything to avoid danger. The fawn response is to seek safety by merging with the perpetrator. So as children, we do what we are told, even if it isn’t what is right or good for us.
This response invokes strategies from “flight,” “flight,” and the “freeze” responses, so it is seen as the most adaptive reaction. Fawning requires knowledge of whomever is hurting you and skill to know how to appease them.
Fawning is also sometimes associated with codependency. Both are emotional responses that are triggered by complex PTSD.
In both fawning and codependency, your brain thinks you will be left alone and helpless. The brain’s response is to then attach yourself to a person so they think they need you. This can lead to do things to make them happy to cause less of a threat to yourself.
Though, the threat is the variable in each scenario. In fawning, the threat could be social isolation, conflict with a loved one, or unhappiness. Codependency is generally paired with loneliness.
How Can I Help My Fawn Response?
Trauma affects everyone, not just the one experiencing the trauma.
It affects the one inflicting the trauma, the one affected by the event, and anyone who interacts with those people.
The fawn response is a great example of this since it involves submitting to what others want.
So, how can you begin healing from trauma?
One of the first things to do to stop fawning behaviors is to observe them.
Whenever you are triggered, think about these things:
Why am I fawning right now?
How am I experiencing fawning behaviors?
How do I feel right now?
What do I want to do right now, not how do I think I need to react?
Asking yourself these questions will begin to unlock the trauma-affected regions of your brain.
A next possible step is to enroll in therapy appointments. Being able to share your trauma with a professional can help you process. Not only will you have a listener, but someone who can offer science-backed suggestions!
There are several different methods for healing trauma, including the Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) process. This system helps re-wire your brain, creating new neurological pathways that help you react to trauma when it comes up.
Taking stock of your fawning behaviors before going to therapy is good. You can fill your therapist in on the issues since they likely will not see your trauma responses themselves.
Many times, you learn about traumas you weren’t didn’t even know were affecting you.
Find a Safe Person
Aside from a therapist, find a person you can talk with about your recovery. This can be a friend or family member that can hold you accountable.
As you’re healing, they will ensure you continue taking steps to stop fawning behaviors. But, they will also be the first ones you call when you’re struggling!
If you are ready to face your fawn response, to improve your mental health, there are many steps you can take. Begin thinking on ways to stop your fawning behaviors and how to ask for help from trusted people. The main thing to remember is that other people have benefited from your fawn response, so they may have reactions to your changes.
Don’t worry, you can open up little by little and practicing the art of saying no more readily. Grab a cute mug that promotes positivity and healing. Write something that describes how you’ve been feeling. Or, try a yoga class to deepen your mind-body connection.