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The Importance of Self Pleasure

by | Aug 3, 2022 | KINK, SEXUALITY

vibrators that can be used for self pleasure

Self pleasure goes beyond masturbation, watching porn, basking at your own nakedness or reading erotica. Though these are perfectly fine ways to engage in self pleasure, it can happen in many ways within and outside of a sexual context.


Getting To Know Your Body Through Solo Sex


Taking time out of your day to engage in solo sexual pleasure actually has health benefits such as alleviating stress, improving sleep, and relieving menstrual cramps. You can also learn more about yourself, explore your body, and build self confidence. Many people struggle with the idea of solo sex because it’s been heavily stigmatized as not being respectable, being ‘dirty’ or being a sin in some religions.


Getting to know your body and what feels good is one of the most critical ways to maintain intimacy within yourself and to establish the language to effectively communicate to your partner what turns you on. One of the best ways to start is to set a mood in your space where you have absolute privacy and begin touching your body from head to toe. Begin noticing what feels good, what feels neutral, and what feels off. If you’ve never done it before, it’s often recommended not to go straight for your genitals and/or breasts, but rather to start with other parts of your body and work your way around.


You may discover other erogenous zones along the way that you never knew you had. You may also discover that you don’t always need to touch yourself to reach orgasm or experience pleasure. There are many people who are capable of getting turned on or reaching orgasm from watching porn, reading or listening to erotica, or from reading romance novels. The beauty of solo sex is that you’re in the driver’s seat and you get to be in control and explore on your own, completely uninhibited, and free of judgement.


Why Is Self Pleasure Important?


Sometimes we may feel like we don’t deserve pleasure because the society that we live in has given implicit and explicit messaging that we need to ‘earn’ pleasure. It’s important to remember that regardless of your age, gender, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, body type or physical ability, we are all deserving and worthy of a fulfilling and pleasurable sex life.


Accessing all types of pleasure points by engaging all of your senses can be healing and also allows us to feel more loved and fully connected to ourselves. It allows us to go to the depths of where we thought we could never go, to heal inner wounds that we’ve buried deep under the surface, and to empower us to be our most authentic selves.


The more we engage in pleasure with ourselves, the easier it is for us to engage in pleasure with others and there are many ways to explore self pleasure. For example, swinging and hedonism (partner and/or group sex), as well as kink (sexual play, fantasies and fetishes), are a few ways to explore self pleasure with others.


Engaging in self pleasure with others teaches us how to feel more safe and secure in asking for what we need, while also learning how to receive. Cooking, listening to soft music, being in nature, and taking 10-minute breaks throughout the day are ways to practice non-sexual self pleasure. These activities allow us to relax and unwind, creating more space to be authentically open for sexual experiences.


4 Tips To Find What Feels Good


Get Grounded


To enhance moments of self pleasure, first slow down the mind, heart and the body, by turning off all noises and taking 5-8 slow breaths in and out with your eyes closed, or while staring at the floor. Try to do this at least once per day at the end of your work day.


Notice Surroundings & Sensations


Once you’ve calmed the body, you’ll start to notice over time how good your partner’s skin feels next to yours, how inviting your underwear feels on your skin, or how amazing food tastes in your mouth. Take the time to notice all the colors, smells, textures and tastes, by slowly and gently inviting them into your body.


Good Vibrations


Explore sex toys by going to your local sex toy store and/or attending a sex toy party through a local distributer. They will  provide you helpful information on what toys are the best fit for your needs and personal preferences, as well as what additional tools you may need (i.e., lube, cleaners, etc.).


You can order them online, but it’s often better to speak with experts on products beforehand to ensure that your personal needs are met. It’s also to ensure your personal safety, because your skin may have an allergic response to certain products and you’ll want to know if you can test some of them before and/or how you can replace them.


Set the Mood


Create a place for your favorite solo sex items. You can DIY a box to keep them in, or buy a hat box. You can also keep them in a drawer with other sensory items such as a scalp massager, bath bombs for those hot bath moments, candles, and hot warming body oil.

Modern Intimacy is a group therapy practice, founded by renowned Psychologist and Sex Therapist, Dr. Kate Balestrieri. This inclusive blog is designed to provide a wealth of information and resources for mental health, relationships, and sexuality. Subscribe today to get the latest information from our expert contributors from all around the world.


Author Bio

Ashley Robinson is a Certified Life Coach at Modern Intimacy. Ashley is passionate about helping individuals and couples navigate life transitions, self-esteem, relationship issues, and issues related to sex and intimacy. Ashley’s holistic, goal-oriented approach helps her clients thrive in their personal lives, careers, and relationships.



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