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How to Introduce Kinky Sex into the Bedroom

by | Jun 7, 2022 | KINK, RELATIONSHIPS, SEXUALITY

Two partners engage in kinky sex.

Maybe you are new to kink and are exploring possible exciting interests in the bedroom. Or, possibly introducing kink into your sexual reserve is something you have wanted to do for a while. Regardless of the reason, kinky sex can be a healthy and safe sexual exploration.

 

Allowing space for sexual expression can help create a deeper understanding of your sexual needs/interests and construct a fun way to deepen your connection with your partner(s) that is free of shame and stigma.

 

What is Kink?

 

You may be asking yourself: “What is kink?,” “Do I like kinky sex?/what type of kinky sex do I enjoy?,” and “How does one engage in kinky sex?” These are all common kink questions amongst individuals and couples. If you find yourself wanting to learn more, you wouldn’t be alone.

 

Kink has an extensive history in human sexuality and has been practiced amongst cultures for centuries. Therefore, the word “kink” can conjure up many different images and definitions depending on the cultural lens through which you view sexuality. Thus, it’s important to normalize the word kink and disparage any negative connotations.

 

To offer a deeper, more conceptual definition of kink, Samuel Hughes, a psychological researcher with an emphasis in human sexuality, describes kink as “consensual, non traditional sexual, sensual, and intimate behaviors such as sadism, masochism, domination and submission, erotic role play, fetishism, and erotic forms of discipline.”

 

In more simplistic terms, kink is what falls outside of the “vanilla” flavor of heteronormative intercourse. For example, kink may include but is not limited to power play, oral sex, dirty talk, sex toys, spanking, certain sex positions, consensual choking, group sex, and anal sex/anal play. Kink can be enjoyed during solo sex or with consensual partner(s).

 

However, it is important to note that one person’s kink can be another’s worst nightmare. Therefore, it can be critical to discuss the kinks you are interested in exploring with your partner in a safe environment. Allowing openness around the topic of kink can create a deeper, more meaningful bond with your partner and help decrease any shame.

 

How to Introduce Kinky Sex into the Bedroom

 

Acknowledging Your Kinks            

 

Before introducing one’s kink(s) to their partner, it’s important to understand what kink means to you and its role in your sex life. Kink is a spectrum, and what you consider tame, another person might think is wild and out there. By understanding your kinks, you can better articulate your turn-ons and sexual interests with your partner(s).

 

Creating A Safe Space  

 

Discussing one’s kinks can feel overwhelming. One can introduce kink into the bedroom by creating a safe space for all parties involved to discuss their feelings openly and honestly. An example of this is planning a time and day that works for all parties where you can be present with one another without distractions. By reducing the stress and disturbances, you can create space for each other’s needs.

 

Expressing Vulnerability 

 

Another critical step in introducing kink is to openly discuss any fears or concerns you might be having. Consulting with your partner using “I” statements can hold a space for greater understanding and acceptance. For example, you might express, “I want to share some of my sexual interests with you, but I’m worried you might not be interested.” Exploring new sexual ideas with a partner can be uncomfortable, but vulnerability is an opportunity to grow within yourself and your partnership.

 

Communication

 

If you feel nervous about communicating your kinks with your partner clinical sexologist, Caitlin V, suggests using hypotheticals to get the conversation going. For example, “I get turned on by the idea of me spanking you during sex, is that something you would be interested in exploring with me?” Through using hypotheticals, it creates an opportunity for open discussion where both parties can feel heard.

 

After the conversation starts to flow, you might start to communicate your specific kinks to your partner. The word ‘kink’ may bring up anxiety or sex negative beliefs, but expressing your kinks specifically leaves less room for confusion and more room for open discussion.        

 

Preparing For A Hard Conversation

 

In an ideal world, our partners would always respond enthusiastically to our sexual interests. The reality is that our partners might not share our same kinks, and THAT’S OK. It’s important to remember that it’s not a negative reflection on you if your partner doesn’t respond as you hoped.

 

As individuals change and evolve, so can kinks and sexual preferences. Showing your partner unconditional positive regard even when faced with complex emotions allows the conversation to continue when all parties are ready. If you continue to feel that your sexual needs are not being met, speaking to a sex and relationship expert such as a sex therapist can help navigate these difficult conversations and alleviate any shame.

 

Kinky Sex and Safety

 

When engaging in any sexual activity, it’s important that all parties feel safe. Creating a safe space in the bedroom is especially vital when kinks are being explored. Fulfilling one’s kinks is built on respect for others, safety, and intent.

 

Consent 

 

All parties involved during kink play should be consensual and discussed before sexual interactions. However, consent does not mean someone always consents to everything! Therefore, establishing rules and boundaries beforehand is essential to exploring kink. It often helps all individuals to know that they can disengage without fear or judgment.

 

Safe Words

 

During kink play, limitations should be discussed before sexual interactions and during. Using safe words such as red/yellow/green communicates your limits to your partner during kinky interactions.

 

Red indicates that all sex play needs to stop immediately.

 

Yellow indicates that someone needs to pull back and check in with their partner(s) to make sure they feel safe.

 

Green indicates that their partner is enjoying themselves and wants to continue in play.

 

By using safe words, all parties establish personal safety and boundaries. If the red/yellow/green method doesn’t resonate with you, you can come up with your own safe words, and communicate them to your partner.

 

Aftercare

 

Aftercare is essentially the time couples take to tend to each other’s emotional and physical needs after having sex. During aftercare, couples may engage in words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, cuddling, or anything that increases connection to one another. During aftercare, sexual partners can revive closeness and spend time making sure everyone feels happy and secure in their shared sexual experience.

 

Another essential part of aftercare is allowing time to process after sexual interactions. Allowing time to process emotions is beneficial when you and your partner engage in a new type of kink. Allowing open communication after sex may help increase bonds and plans for future sexual activities.

 

Introducing kink into the bedroom can feel daunting for some. However, when kink is discussed openly and honestly with a trusting partner, it can lead to a world of sexual pleasure and connection. Engaging in kink doesn’t need to mean a complete change in sexual interactions but allows for more freedom for exploration and increased communication.

Modern Intimacy is a group therapy practice, founded by renowned Psychologist and Sex Therapist, Dr. Kate Balestrieri. This inclusive blog is designed to provide a wealth of information and resources for mental health, relationships, and sexuality. Subscribe today to get the latest information from our expert contributors from all around the world.

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Author Bio

Brooke Brownlee, APCC is an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor at Modern Intimacy under the supervision of Dr. Kate Balestrieri. Brooke is passionate about helping clients heal from trauma, feel more empowered sexually, and repair relationships. Brooke is continuing her education and working towards becoming a Certified Sex Therapist.

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