If you’ve found yourself acting hot and cold while dating someone you were super into, pulling away after moments of closeness and intimacy, saying things like you “don’t do feelings” or you’re just not good at talking about your feelings, avoiding commitment, and/or shutting down emotionally when tension hits in a relationship with someone you care about.. you might be emotionally unavailable. Do not despair though, healing is possible.
What Does it Mean to Be Emotionally Unavailable?
Emotional unavailability is a state in which someone is unable or unwilling to be present with their emotions, share them with another and/or form emotional connections with others. This is a hinderance in relationships because most people are looking to invest in connections when they feel not just physical or sexual desire, but also are looking to be attracted emotionally and mentally to their person.
Even if a match is formed, if one or all people tend to be more emotionally detached, this means that there is a limit to the level of depth and connection to be had. What starts to happen is you might notice a wall coming up that gets in the way of emotional or physical intimacy.
It might look like a lack of commitment, or breakdowns in communication. It might feel like there is distance or ambiguity in the relationship. One or all people will be left feeling anxious and confused. Or the other side of the spectrum can be feeling lonely, defeated and burnt out from trying to make things work alone.
5 Signs of Emotional Unavailability
Difficulty Expressing Emotions
You may struggle to express thoughts, feelings, and emotions or avoid emotional conversations or topics that veer into feelings territory.
Fear of Commitment
If you fear commitment, you might find yourself leaning towards keeping things superficial or surface level. You might feel hesitant to form deep and meaningful connections. You also might notice yourself prioritizing your independence over togetherness in romantic relationships.
Inconsistent Communication
Inconsistent communication might look like unpredictable engagement with others, or acting hot and cold. You might notice yourself withdrawing and disappearing from conversations only to reappear days later without a real explanation.
Avoiding Vulnerability
Avoiding vulnerability might look like pulling away after moments of closeness. You might find yourself acting emotionally guarded and preferring not to reply on others or let anyone in. You might feel very uncomfortable when sharing personal struggles or insecurities.
Lack of Empathy
Maybe you feel a depletion of empathy for the other person/people. You might notice experiencing difficulty understand or relating to another person’s emotions. Additionally, you might feel that you’re seeming very emotionally detached or indifferent.
Why Someone Might Be Emotionally Unavailable
Emotionally unavailable people are emotionally armored-up. They have been disappointed in the past and are now protecting their heart so fiercely, there is no space to let anyone new in.
Shutting down emotionally can sometimes be a trauma response. A self-protection strategy. The following scenarios are the main reasons why a person might find it difficult to open up.
Childhood Trauma
Babies are born wired to emotionally connect. They need parents to be responsive and consistent attachment figures. To tune in to their needs, they literally need their caretakers to see, hear and respond to them. When children repeatedly don’t receive the care they need, and the emotional encouragement required to bloom, then they learn to shut off from their feelings and needs.
To detach from themselves, as a coping mechanism. This might be a result of a full range of factors from neglect, abandonment, ongoing traumatic stress, single traumatic incidents to immigration, financial struggles, sickness, and more.
Family Dynamics and Patterns
A family’s comfort level around feelings and vulnerability will inevitably shape the way a person develops emotional intelligence. A family that can talk about feelings, tolerate sadness and anger in healthy ways, as well as foster emotional support will raise emotionally available and resilient children.
Families that don’t talk about emotions, that isolate when dealing with difficulty and that perceive being vulnerable as being weak, will most likely result in folks who struggle to emotionally connect with others.
Fear of Rejection or Abandonment
Being rejected in a past relationship, romantic or even friendships, creates a wound of fear. This fear will manifest as self-protection through behaviors like keeping a lover at arm’s length, not showing the parts of you that feel less lovable, being skeptical around love and vulnerability, acting tough, being hyper independent, and more.
Chronic Stress and Overwhelm
Life’s pressures can lead to someone emotionally distancing themselves from others to minimize distractions and focus on the current stressors. People who have less resources to manage anxiety and overwhelm will be more likely to isolate physically and emotionally to calm themselves down and regain control, often times not taking into account how alone they leave their partner in those moments.
How To Become More Emotionally Open and Available
Emotional flexibility, and willingness to build relational intelligence are required to emotionally connect with another person and make a relationship work. However, most of us are not taught these skills by parents or in school. So, most people are left to their own devices and it makes sense there is a gap between what it takes to sustain healthy partnerships, and lots of folk’s relational abilities.
Like it was mentioned above, do not despair. If you resonate with this blog post, or if you’re involved with a emotionally unavailable partner, healing is entirely possible with compassion and patience. Individual therapy or coaching is a way to uncover wounds and transform them to ensure emotional health as well as personal freedom. If your relationship is being impacted, couples work is also recommended and can help partners push through their pain points. You and/or your partner might consider exploring options for in person work, as well as online couples therapy or coaching.
Healthy relationships are the greatest predictor of happiness as well as physical health. Meaning if you want to live a fulfilled life, look at the quality of your relationships. And being secure and open is the foundation to build strong connections that last.
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