If you’ve ever wandered into the “self-help” section of your local bookstore, you’ve likely come across the names Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Gottman. Their books are often easy to spot, with titles that promise practical advice for improving relationships or marriages. As a couples therapist, I’m generally cautious about books that make such bold claims.
However, the Gottmans’ recommendations are grounded in decades of rigorous research. Their work began in the 1970s, and in 1986, they established the “Love Lab”—a groundbreaking research project that led to John Gottman’s ability to predict divorce with 90% accuracy.
This 14-year research based study laid the foundation for the Gottman Method, which is now widely used by therapists to guide couples toward healthier relationships. So, what exactly is the Gottman Method, and how does it differ from other therapeutic approaches when it comes to helping couples lean how to remove barriers and thrive?
The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse (And Your Relationship)
One of the core concepts in the Gottman Method couples therapy is The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These “Horsemen” are four negative and emotionally distanced communication patterns—Criticism, Stonewalling, Defensiveness, and Contempt—that can severely damage a relationship. When these patterns emerge, they make it harder to communicate effectively, engage in intimacy, resolve conflicts, and show empathy.
Fortunately, there is also an antidote for each of these Horsemen. In couples therapy, your therapist may help identify which of the Four Horsemen is present in your relationship. Let’s break down each one and understand how they might be showing up in relationship(s).
Criticism
Criticism refers to attacks on a person’s character, while a complaint focuses on specific behavior.
- Complaint: “I was worried when you didn’t show up for dinner at 6, since we agreed on that time”
- Criticism: “You’re so selfish for not being on time. You never think about me”
How to Address: Try to focus on the other person’s behaviors, not their character.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness arises after criticism, often escalating the conflict.
- Curiosity: “It sounds like you were concerned when I was late. How can I communicate better next time?”
- Defensiveness: “It’s not my fault because you should’ve reminded me.”
How to Address: Replace defensiveness with curiosity to understand your partner’s feelings.
Contempt
Contempt is a deep sense of disdain, often expressed through sarcasm or belittling behavior. It’s one of the most damaging patterns in relationships.
- Contempt: “You’re so lazy — I’m the only one who cleans up around here.”
- Respect: “I know you’re busy, but it’s important to me that we both help around the house.”
How to Address: Focus on respect and avoid attacks on the other person’s character.
Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws or shuts down during conflict, often to avoid difficult emotions.
- Stonewalling: One partner remains silent and avoids eye contact during a heated discussion.
- Active Engagement: “I’m upset about what happened, so let’s talk about it.”
How to Address: Engage actively and express your emotions calmly rather than withdrawing
What Type of Couple Can Benefit from The Gottman Method?
The Gottman Method can be an effective modality for any couple, however the method is especially effective for those who are struggling with perpetual issues and experiencing more negative than positive interactions with each other. Here are a few examples of common perpetual issues within relationships:
- Sexual desire and frequency
- Parenting styles
- Different approaches to finances
- Household chores and division of labor
- Where to live or work
- Socializing vs alone time
The Gottman Method provides a structured approach to help couples navigate these long standing conflicts. It’s common for couples to feel stuck when dealing with these issues, often leading to a shift from a “team” mindset to a “me vs you” dynamic. Gottman-trained therapists tend to focus on five key areas to help couples build resilience and manage perpetual issues.
Creating a Shared Understanding of the Problem
How It Helps: The Gottman Method emphasizes listening and understanding each other’s perspective. By fostering a shared meaning through open communication, couples develop a stronger foundation of respect, making it easier to address recurring issues.
Identifying “Gridlocked” Issues
How It Helps: Some conflicts are gridlocked, also known as chronic issues unlikely to be fully resolved because they stem from deep differences in personality, needs, or values. The Gottman Method teaches couples how to manage conflicts constructively, rather than trying to completely overcome gridlock issues forever.
Creating “Soft Startups” and Effective Communication
How It Helps: The Gottman Method encourages couples to use softened start-ups when bringing up difficult topics. Instead of criticizing or blaming, partners are taught to initiate conversations with empathy, reducing defensiveness and opening the door to more productive discussions. This creates more space for fondness and admiration for each other even during conflict.
Learning to “Accept Influence” from Your Partner
How It Helps: Accepting influence means being open to your partner’s perspective and adjusting your behavior when necessary. This mutual flexibility helps couples better navigate perpetual issues by fostering compromise and emotional support.
Creating Shared Meaning
How It Helps: Couples are encouraged to develop a shared sense of meaning—a framework of values, goals, and dreams that align them. Even if they disagree on specific issues, focusing on the broader vision for their relationship helps them approach perpetual issues as part of a larger, more meaningful partnership.
Is the Gottman Method Right For Your Relationship?
Gottman therapy is like a relationship toolbox that’s been fine-tuned by years of research—and it’s full of practical, proven tools to help couples replace negative conflict patterns with positive ones. From boosting communication to creating deeper emotional connections, this approach helps couples work through the tough stuff while also strengthening the good stuff.
There’s no one size fits all approach to couples therapy because each people and couples can have different needs. However, with the support of a licensed couples therapist, an effective and unique treatment plan can be created that implements the Gottman techniques that will work best for you and your partner.
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