Ah, the joys of modern dating! Being intentional in your dating journey is clear way to work smarter and not harder as you navigate new connections. And it can certainly be a balancing act! It takes weighing the amount of time that you pour into online dating versus putting yourself “out there” in the world to create pathways toward organic social connections.
It takes getting clear on what you are looking for as well as weeding out everything that’s not it. And to add some complexity, lately it also takes amping up your personal growth journey in order to spot red flag behaviors and tricky social dynamics to avoid, such as ghosting or, the topic of this blog, breadcrumbing.
Breadcrumbing is the act of giving flirtatious but non-committal signs (i.e. breadcrumbs) to another person to attract and keep a romantic partner, without expending much effort. Basically, it’s when the person you are dating is giving you just enough affection and attention to keep you on the hook, but nowhere near enough to satisfy your emotional needs. And it’s important to mention, it’s also usually nowhere near enough the effort it takes to sustain a healthy relationship.
Eight Common Signs of Breadcrumbing
Because this is such a confusing experience, many people don’t know they’re being breadcrumbed until they feel deceived or discarded. To prevent this hurtful experience, here are 8 red flags to look out for:
- The person you are interested in is less invested in getting together than you are.
- They keep communication generic and superficial instead of sharing details about their life and taking an interest in yours.
- They can be very flirty and cute via text but don’t make plans to see you.
- They keep you looking into the future with vague statements like “let’s pencil that in” or “we will make it happen”.
- They show interest in hooking up but not spending non-physical time together nor getting to know you on a deeper level.
- They fail to reply to texts for days or weeks and reappear without much of an explanation.
- They might view or react to your social media posts, while ignoring actual text messages you’ve sent.
- They only reassure you when you are losing interest in them. They might inject a lot of effort when you pull away, only to have it fizzle away after a few days.
Needless to say, they act hot and cold towards you. These mixed messages leave you feeling confused and frustrated. They can also lead you to use a lot of brain power to try to analyze what is happening, to try to decipher the other person’s behavior and gauge their interest level.
This creates an emotionally draining feedback pattern, as the person dropping the breadcrumbs is typically not ready to lose you completely. If you stop responding or hint that you’re losing interest, they might step up by making plans and following through. They might even love bomb you, showering you with affection or presence for a short period of time.
This renewed interest can reinforce your initial attraction and give you a sense of hope for the future of this connection. But then as a few days go by, they drift away, and the pattern begins again. You’re left constantly thinking about them and checking your phone with the hope that every incoming notification is a sweet word or a date invitation. Instead, all you get are days of radio silence and maybe a late-night text or two.
The Impact of Breadcrumbing
The confusion is real! The sporadic communication is frustrating, while the burst of attention and sweetness may cause a reinjection of hope. This cycle is emotionally and physically draining. Inside the relationship, you may feel high levels of uncertainty and anxiety. Ending the relationship comes with its own challenges, as you navigate lack of closure as well as feelings or invalidation.
If you come to the realization that you’ve been led on or manipulated, you could notice feelings of embarrassment and self-doubt. Its important to highlight that it makes so much sense that a confusing relationship to another person has an impact on your relationship to your self too.
Research shows people on the receiving end of breadcrumbing feel more lonely, helpless and unfulfilled. There is also something isolating and tricky in this dynamic, since you may feel like you are on standby in this relationship but still invested. You may hold off on exploring new connections, or worse, lose faith in the dating journey as well as mistrust of other people.
How to Deal with Breadcrumbing
Self-Awareness
The first step is realizing that it’s happening! Breadcrumbing happens more often when relationships start off casually, if the person is vague when expressing what they are looking for and if you tend to give people the benefit of the doubt too easily.
But sometimes, the relationship also changes and what started out solid becomes wishy-washy. It could happen to anyone! So, if you identify yourself here, have a ton of grace and compassion for yourself. Recognize and accept this dynamic is happening, and if needed reach out to a relationship expert for deeper clarity.
Set Boundaries & Communicate Your Needs
Once you notice breadcrumbing, there are only two healthy choices. Either communicate with the other person to explore if you can shift into a more aligned relationship or end things. If you have noticed repeated patterns of manipulation or disrespect, it makes sense to walk away from this connection.
However, if you want to give this a chance, communication is the way to go! Use “I statements” to reiterate what you are looking for, name what you are available for in a relationship and what you are not available for, and check in with the other person to explore if you are looking for the same thing.
Seek Professional Support
Prioritize your mental health and lean on your community. Share and vent with trusted friends, especially if you feel confused or invalidated in your dating experience. Continue to practice self care, seek support and reach out to a healing professional if it would be supportive.
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