Erectile dysfunction (ED) can be a challenging condition, as it impacts not just physical health but also mental well-being and one’s sense of self. It is not limited to a physical experience of “just losing” an erection.
The experience of ED can cause you to become critical of your body, judgemental towards your perception of sexual performance, as well as bring on waves of shame surrounding your ability to please a partner. Overall causing massive damage to your self confidence and ability to be present in sexual pleasure.
Erectile Dysfunction and Anxiety
One often overlooked aspect of the recurrence of ED is the role of anxiety. For example, one night you are approaching intimacy with a partner and surprisingly, you lose your erection. You’re not sure how this happened or why it happened, and you begin to feel embarrassment or shame alongside confusion or anger towards your body.
The next week you approach an intimate experience with a partner, and your anxiety is heightened. Anxiety about performance that you may have never felt before. You are wondering if you will be able to have an erection. You are worried about what your partner might think. You are worried you might have an erection then lose the erection.
And thus..the mental hamster wheel of ED anxiety begins. This typically causes a spiral effect of nervous system dysregulation and shut down in your body which leads to additional experiences with ED that can impact mental and physical health. This is why addressing and alleviating anxiety is crucial in managing ED effectively.
Myths and Misconceptions About ED
“Erectile Dysfunction only happens to older men.”
A 2013 study by the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 26% of men under the age of 40 have experienced erectile dysfunction. Additionally approximately 40% of men are affected by the age of 40.
“I’m a failure if I can’t have long lasting erections”
Sex is not a zero sum game. There are no winners or losers. It is an opportunity for which we can experience pleasure, presence, intimacy, and connection with partners. Having an erection or not having an erection does not take away your capability of having great sex. Great sex is a co-created experience surrounding an engulfment of pleasure.
“Penetration is what my partner wants”
As the wonderful sex educator Emily Nagoski says, “pleasure is the measure”. The epitome of great sex is pleasure. And guess what? An erect penis is not a necessity for pleasure. It is a means to experience pleasure, sure, but it is by no means the culmination of great sex.
Our entire bodies are a map for powerful erotic connection. Oral sex can be great sex and does not require an erect penis. Anal sex can be great sex and does not require an erect penis. Digital (finger) stimulation can be great sex and does not require an erect penis.
Viewing sex as solely a penile penetration experience can mean you’re missing out on the playground of all types of sex which can still offer you and your partner(s) immense pleasure. Your penis is not the measure of great sex – co-creating an experience of pleasure is.
Let’s Talk About The Nervous System
To understand how anxiety affects ED, it’s essential to first understand the autonomic nervous system (ANS). The ANS controls involuntary bodily functions, including heart rate, blood pressure, and digestive processes. It has two main components:
- Sympathetic nervous system (SNS): The sympathetic nervous system plays a crucial role in the “fight or flight response,” which prepares the body for stressful situations.
- Parasympathetic nervous system (PNS): This system promotes the “rest and digest response,” — activating the parasympathetic nervous system helps the body relax and recover.
Anxiety can lead to a dysregulated nervous system, making it difficult for the body to function optimally. Chronic stress and elevated levels of stress hormones like cortisol can interfere with sexual function. When the sympathetic nervous system is overactive, it can inhibit the parasympathetic nervous system’s ability to induce the relaxation necessary for an erection.
Understanding how to regulate your nervous system is crucial for mitigating these effects and improving mental health and regulating emotions. When the nervous system becomes dysregulated, which often caused by chronic stress and anxiety, it can disrupt certain functions, contributing to ED. Therefore, system regulation is key to managing both anxiety and ED.
Why Regulate The Nervous System?
Anxiety is always focused on forward thinking.
“What happens if something bad happens?”
“What if people judge me?”
“What if everything goes wrong?”
“What if my partner is disappointed in me?”
And just like that…the hamster wheel keeps spinning.
This preoccupation with what might happen is exactly what prevents you from fully engaging with what is happening right now. It causes your body to have a dysregulated nervous system due to hypervigilance. This heightened state of alertness makes it challenging to relax and be present – both of which are required for erection to occur.
To combat anxiety causing ED, the best practices will be practices that involve presence, mindfulness, deep breathing, and connection to the sensations in your body. All of these practices take you out of the doom spiral of “what if’s”, and into the presence of the moment.
Techniques For Regulating The Nervous System
Manual Body Reset
When your body is anxious, you become tense. There are 5 points of tension that happen quickly as your body “braces” for the fear of the “what if’s”: Jaw, shoulders, hands/fingers, anus, and feet/toes. This technique is a process for you to manually bring each body part into a neutral state piece by piece. It is simple and can be used daily, as well as during sexual activity.
- Peel tongue off of the roof of the mouth
- Roll shoulders away from ears
- Wiggle your fingers
- Relax the anal muscles (unclench your butt)
- Wiggle your toes
As you practice this step by step, notice how your body responds and what sensations you feel as you ease into calm and relaxation.
Recovery
This technique speaks to physically busting myth #3. What commonly happens when a person loses their erection, is that the sexual experience ends. The shame and embarrassment wash over the person experiencing ED causing them to want to withdraw. This however, is the opposite of what needs to be done to alleviate ED.
When you withdraw, you are continuing to allow your nervous system to shut down and retreat. To combat this, continue your sexual experience in creative and fun ways. As mentioned above, there are a lot of ways to have sex without an erection. Focus on playing and creating pleasure in new ways instead of withholding pleasure from your body.
Body Scan
A body scan is a mindfulness meditation technique that involves mentally scanning your body from head to toe, paying attention to any sensations, tensions, or areas of discomfort. Typically done in a comfortable, seated or lying down position, the practice begins by focusing on your breath to center your attention.
You then start at the top of your head, gradually moving your awareness down through your forehead, eyes, and jaw, relaxing each area as you go. Continue this process through your neck, shoulders, arms, chest, and down to your abdomen, hips, legs, and feet.
The aim is to notice any physical sensations (i.e. tense, soft, light, etc..) without judgment, allowing you to become more attuned to your body and release tension. This practice can help reduce stress, improve relaxation, and enhance overall mindfulness.
If you’re coming to the end of this blog and are looking for more personalized guidance, I am available and taking clients for 1:1 support. Together, we can create a tailored approach to manage anxiety, improve your nervous system regulation, and enhance your overall health. Reach out today to start your journey towards better mental and physical well-being. Your path to a healthier, more balanced life begins with the right support.
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