The ending of a relationship is a very challenging time for most people regardless of the circumstances that lead to the breakup. Post relationship, a myriad of unresolved feelings and strong emotions may exist, whether it is still having romantic feelings or even feeling hatred toward the person.
When children are involved, the process becomes much more challenging as parents may take longer to move on due to the communication and collaboration needed to co-parent. Additionally, parenting in itself is a highly emotional experience, and that experience can be intensified depending on the nature of co-parenting relationship.
When there is less hostility in the separation and forgiveness to decrease resentment, the quality of coparenting is oftentimes significantly higher.
Acknowledging, Managing, and Healing from Unresolved Emotions
Facing emotional pain can feel overwhelming and uncomfortable, so it is no surprise that people may struggle to acknowledge unresolved feelings after a breakup. It is important to know that it is a completely normal to still have feelings toward the other parent whether good or bad. It may seem like suppressing and avoiding the vulnerability of what you are feeling is the right step to move forward, however not acknowledging these feelings can hinder the healing process as it can be much harder to heal from what you haven’t accepted.
If you have anger, resentment, or hurt, toward your ex or if you still have feelings for them and are grieving the loss, it’s going to show in your interactions with them, whether intentional or not and bleed into the co-parenting relationship. Once you have acknowledged that these feelings exist and normalize that it’s okay to feel them, you can work toward healing from the unresolved emotions and managing the impact that these feelings may have on your co-parenting and by extension your children. Well-meaning attempts to shield children from conflict can be futile if the unconscious unresolved feelings are lingering in the interactions of the family.
Healing and conflict resolution may take place individually and can also take place collaboratively if both parties are wiling. If the other partner is unwilling or you exited a high conflict relationship in which it is not in the best interested to engage in collaborate healing, it is okay, and in that case recommended to focus on your healing journey alone.
Healing together might look like engaging in co-parenting counseling and/or mediation, having honest conversations about the end of the relationship, setting new agreements, and fostering mutual respect. Its not about reconciliation, rather about finding peace, closure from the breakup, and a renewed ability to cooperatively co-parent. Healing individually may look like attending individual counseling, setting personal boundaries, grieving the end of the relationship, practicing radical acceptance, and educating yourself on how to co-parent with a challenging person.
Mitigating the Impact of the Unresolved Feelings on the Coparenting Relationship
While the healing process takes place it is important to be intentional about using various strategies to make sure the unresolved emotions from the relationship do not affect the co-parenting relationship for the sake of your own emotional well being and the well being of the children involved.
Separate personal feelings from parenting responsibilities
Many things can be true at once. You can dislike the other parent and still love them at the same time. You can feel hatred toward the other parent and still respect that you must co-parent together. Personal feelings matter and shouldn’t be avoided but there’s a time and place to address them and it’s not when trying to address things related to children. So, when addressing issues related to the children check in with yourself and ask if your responses are coming from a place about how you feel about the other parent or from what is in the best interest of the children.
Radical acceptance
Honoring how immensely difficult a situation is and choosing to accept it as it is can be very effective for healing. Accepting that a relationship is over or that you may be raising a child under circumstances that you weren’t planning for can be very challenging. By practicing radical acceptance, a parent can fully accept the situation without being consumed by negative emotions. This mindset helps shift the focus from trying to change what can’t be changed to finding peace in the given situation.
Co-parenting Therapy
Some people may be surprised to learn that therapy isn’t just reserved for couples working on fixing a relationship. It is also highly beneficial for those wanting to have amicable separations and given that a co-parenting relationship is a very significant relationship in one’s life this form of therapy can be very helpful. The goal isn’t to reunify rather to create a healthy coparenting dynamic by providing a safe and neutral space to resolve lingering unresolved feelings and/or establish healthy boundaries and ways of communicating.
Set healthy boundaries
The role of boundaries is essential in a co-parenting relationship to create stability for the children and help prevent conflict from spilling over into parenting. Especially when dealing with a difficult person, firm boundaries can help to avoid unnecessary conflict. Remember, boundaries are not about controlling the other person—they’re about protecting your peace and well- being as well as that of your children.
Shift Your Focus to the Children
Remember that the goal of co-parenting is creating a healthy, safe, and stable environment for the kids to feel loved and supported by both parents. Regularly ask yourself how your decisions and interactions impact them. By prioritizing your children and keeping them at the center of your interactions, you can reduce the influence of personal feelings on your parenting actions.
Practice Emotional Self-Regulation
Dysregulated brains cannot communicate effectively as the brain will process and respond to information from an impaired state rather than a “normal” functioning one. When you regulate your emotions, you can engage in clear, respectful communication that can ease emotional tension. Take time to recognize and manage your emotions before engaging in coparenting discussions so they can be had with a calm, level-headed mindset. The goal is to ensure that any emotions toward your ex-partner don’t cloud your decision-making or affect your children.
When you resolve and/or learn to manage your emotions, you’re not only setting a great example for your children you’re also healing yourself so that you can be okay! Navigating unresolved emotions to be a better coparent is so much about healing your own stuff and the amazing benefit is that your children get to experience well-adjusted parents in the end.
Just like any relationship, a coparenting one isn’t always going to be perfect and there will be times of conflict and heightened emotions as you both navigate parenting. Ultimately, your new tools will support a more peaceful dynamic, and you can grow into a version of yourself that can approach co-parenting with a greater sense of peace.
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