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Is Your Husband Addicted to Porn? A Sex Therapist Describes the Signs

by | Jan 4, 2021 | RELATIONSHIPS

A woman wondering if her husband is addicted to porn.

If you’re asking yourself the question, “Is my husband addicted to porn?” it can be an incredibly lonely and isolating experience. A lot of women can end up blaming themselves and developing feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty in their marriage.

Please remember that his addiction or lifestyle choices are in no way a reflection on you. Your worth, devotion as a partner and wife, and years of marriage should not be diminished.

In this article, we will provide the necessary steps you should take if you suspect your husband is addicted to porn, according to a sex therapist. Read on to get the clarification you need.

Signs to Look Out for if You Suspect Your Husband Has a Porn Addiction

Marriages are never straightforward and easy, even when you’re happily married. You will quickly learn that it takes a lot of compromises and patience to navigate any long-term successful marriage.

However, when one of you is battling the grips of addiction, it puts any relationship under a great deal of strain. The first stage is for both people in the marriage to admit there is a problem.

Here are some of the common signs to watch out for if you are concerned that your husband is addicted to porn or has a sex addiction.

1. His Sexual Preferences Have Changed in an Unusual Way

If your husband has become unusually interested in sexual acts that are demeaning or out of the norm for him, this can be an indication of porn addiction. People who are struggling with pornography or have a sexual addiction can become desensitized to sex acts that once they found arousing in real life, and may want to engage in more extreme acts.

If you feel uncomfortable with any of your husband’s requests, don’t feel as if you have to oblige him. All sexual acts should be consensual, with both parties in full agreement.

2. He Feels Disconnected From You or is Distant During Sex

Sometimes it can feel like your partner isn’t really there during intercourse. For example, they might require porn on in the background to get stimulated and become entranced in the images, forgetting to connect with you.

Watching porn together isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but consider how present he seems to be in the experience. Some people report feeling that the connection is missing in their sex life, and they feel as if their body is simply being used for their partner’s self-pleasure.

Intercourse is designed to be an engaging act between two people. If it feels as if your partner isn’t there, then it could be a sign of a porn addiction.

3. Spending a Lot of Time on the Internet and Being Secretive About It

If your husband is being overly secretive and spending a lot of time by himself on his laptop, computer, or phone, this is worrying behavior. Perhaps he closes or locks the door when he does it, indicating he has a secret life or something to hide.

And if you do use the device, he may have already deleted all of the browsing history.

Even when caught, it is not uncommon for compulsive porn users to make unreasonable demands or gaslight you into making you feel as you are the party at fault.

4. He Is Becoming Colder Towards You, Is Critiquing Your Appearance, or Isn’t Aroused With You

Porn narratives and their attitudes toward women can often be derogatory and sexist. You may find that your husband is also assuming some of those opinions and projecting them on you.

If he is making critical comments about your appearance or weight — or trying to change the way you dress to be more sexual — this could be an indication that he is comparing you to unrealistic norms he sees in porn. You may find that he acts colder towards you, or less intimate in general.

5. He Stops Communicating With You or Family and Friends

When a partner shuts down and stops communicating, it is a red flag and usually a sign that something has shifted in terms of their priorities and thought processes. They might feel shame or guilt surrounding their habits, therefore they close down channels of communication.

What to Do if Your Husband Is Addicted to Porn

It can be easy to feel anger toward your husband due to his behavior — especially if he has been difficult and cruel to be around. However, if you want to save and strengthen your marriage, you must try to remain calm and seek help together.

The first thing to do is to have a frank and honest conversation. As hurt as you may be, try not to shame him for his porn addiction. Instead, focus more on the hurt that his behavior has caused you. Explain how upset, angry, betrayed or frustrated you have been and that you want to beat this addiction together.

Tell him that you still love him but can no longer condone this in your marriage. It might be a long and arduous process, but explain you are willing to do it for him and to support him through it.

Seeking professional help with any addiction is crucial for there to be a good chance of beating it. To seek the necessary help, take a look at this 12-week online or in-person course on Healing From Porn Addiction or join a support group.

This plan is ideal for those who suffer from unhealthy impulses and feel out of control with their sexual appetite and reliance on porn. It can help with redirecting these behaviors, channeling alternative coping strategies, and improving communication skills.

After your husband has reset his behaviors and outlook and developed new coping mechanisms, you might find that this is a unique and important time to focus on and repair your marriage.

Additional therapy, such as marriage therapy, can be a great way to address and resolve any further conflict that may arise. A neutral and impartial person like a therapist can help with identifying areas that need to be improved in marriage and ensure that the communication channels are open and fair.

Is My Husband Addicted to Porn? What Next?

Being honest and asking yourself, “Is my husband addicted to porn?” is a painful and hurtful point in any marriage. It is key for you to protect yourself from unnecessary heartache when it’s already an extremely difficult period.

Seeking help and support from professionals and friends shouldn’t be the last resort. It might feel embarrassing, but you must remember that you did nothing wrong, and have nothing to be ashamed of.

Being resilient and united in beating this pornography addiction is what will ultimately make your pain worthwhile.

It is important to remember that you can leave the relationship, if this or any other aspect isn’t working. Relationships are an agreement between two people, and it is a choice to stay and work things out, or leave if that does not seem possible.

If you have any further questions or queries about any of our therapy services, fee free to arrange a free 30-minute consultation to learn more about your options for getting help, alone or together.

 

Modern Intimacy is a group therapy practice, founded by renowned Psychologist and Sex Therapist, Dr. Kate Balestrieri. This inclusive blog is designed to provide a wealth of information and resources for mental health, relationships, and sexuality. Subscribe today to get the latest information from our expert contributors from all around the world.

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Author Bio

Dr. Kate Balestrieri is a Licensed Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and PACT II trained Couples Therapist. She is the Founder of Modern Intimacy. Follow her on IG @drkatebalestrieri and @themodernintimacy.

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