One of the scariest kinks to verbalize to others can be centered around Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) Kink. Very few people want to be thought of as a sexual predator, and those who do aren’t generally concerned about securing consent. But many people have fantasies about non-consenting sexual behavior (from being the aggressor to being victimized), and it can be a very healthy form of sexual play when enacted with enthusiastically consenting adults.
The truth about consensual non-consent kink or rape play is that is allows the parties involved a chance for play, and to immerse themselves in roles related to power that are not safe in real life because, well, they’re not consensual.
What is CNC Kink?
The CNC kink scene is exactly what it sounds like, and it’s when consenting adults give permission to be forced into sex before any sexual activity occurs. Although both adults have consented to the act beforehand, there is still a safe word used if one of the adults changes their mind and wants to stop.
For most couples, there are rules and guidelines discussed in-depth beforehand to ensure that both remain safe and get the pleasure they desire out of this form of consensual sex. When people hear the term consensual non-consent, they often liken it to sexual assault. However, because consent and boundaries are clear and mutually constructed ahead of time, the illusion of forced sex can play out while in fact, it is all consenting.
Fantasies of forced sex take on several meanings in the BDSM community. For some, consensual non-consent activity means dominant/submissive play.
For example, if a couple is into spanking, one partner might ask the other to do something, and if they refuse, they punish them by spanking them with their hand, a tickler, or other kinky accessory. Another great example of consensual non-consent is forcing someone to orgasm.
The key element to remember is the sub has given the Dom permission to engage in this type of power exchange play session, and all of their boundaries have been mutually agreed upon before they get started, including a safe word that means stop.
Are CNC Kink Fantasies Normal?
The word rape triggers big emotions, especially when it’s displayed on the news or social media. However, it’s essential to understand that having a rape fantasy doesn’t mean you should feel guilty about it.
For some people, it’s CNC kink is about experiencing an exchange of power between yourself and your partner and being in complete control. 62% of women have reported fantasizing about these power changes in the bedroom.
Or you might be the person that becomes turned on by having all control taken from you.
If this is all new for you, you might be shocked and taken aback if your partner says they want you to act out some form of consensual sexual violence against them. After all, sexual violence is egregious, and something most people are taught to avoid.
So, in the beginning, acting out this specific sexual fantasy can be challenging to get into if one or both partners are not sure about it. If you want to make space for CNC kink in the bedroom, once you get into the swing of things, you will likely become more comfortable. It is never something someone has to do.
What About Sexual Assault Victims?
While it may not be what you’d expect, being sexually assaulted affects people in different ways. Some survivors enjoy CNC kink, because the consensual piece of it gives them a sense of control that they did not have during a previous assault. Others do not wish to engage in this form of sex. There is no right or wrong, and both can be healthy approaches to sex after sexual assault.
Partners of survivors may feel guilty about using physical force or doing anything that could potentially trigger them. It’s important to always have a conversation before any intimacy takes place, and ask questions, state your fears, agree on limits to reiterate autonomy, volition, and consent.
Some people who have been sexually assaulted, develop an aversion to sexual intimacy. Others become more sexually open and at times may engage in riskier sex, acting out some of the things they experienced during their assault. This is called sexual blame avoidance and is more common for women.
Some people feel that by engaging in these forced acts consensually, they may feel empowered instead of helpless, scared or ashamed.
It’s a way of gaining a sense of psychological mastery over what has happened to them in the past. Instead of feeling like a victim, they’re taking back the control they once lost.
If you or your partner wish to engage in this type of play, but think it might be triggering for either of you, it’s always an option to seek couples therapy to help you get started.
How to Prepare?
As mentioned, you don’t need to jump right into CNC kink or forced sex fantasies. It is okay to start small and work your way up to more intense and consensually forced actions.
This helps both partners assess what’s happening, and whether they like it or not, without becoming overwhelmed all at once.
It can be helpful to talk ahead of time, and incorporate some lighter aspects of CNC kink into your typical sexual activities. This ensures that you and your partner begin to associate this feeling with pleasure.
Some partners find it helpful to write out their sexual desires and what will occur during their CNC scene. Write down everything from what you’re going to wear to the toys you’ll need to send your partner into orgasmic chaos. This reinforces a sense of safety around the mutually constructed script.
The Takeaway: CNC Kink
There’s nothing wrong with you if you enjoy CNC kink in your intimate life. Transparency, boundaries, communication and after care (with debriefing) help to ensure a safe and erotic scene. Working with a sex positive and kink aware therapist can be a huge help when getting started.