Dating can feel overwhelming. During this period you are getting to know this person, asking questions, exploring similarities, and maybe even asking yourself whether you can see this individual fitting into your life long term.
The goal of dating can differ from person to person. Some may be looking for a relationship that leads to marriage, some may be dating with the intention of meeting new people, and others may be dating to further understand what they want or don’t want in a partner.
However, no matter someone’s intention when it comes to dating, a commonality is the importance of implementing and respecting sexual boundaries.
What are Sexual Boundaries and Why are They Important?
Sexual boundaries encompass a range of expressions, from saying “no” to communicating discomfort to needing space. It can often feel more comfortable setting boundaries with those you know, such as a friend or a sibling. So, when you are dating there may be hesitation when it comes to saying “that comment makes me feel uncomfortable.” However, boundaries are incredibly important for creating a healthy relationship/sex life and fostering good mental health.
There are various types of boundaries, some of which are emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and professional. Dating can involve many of these boundaries, but one boundary I often see clients have the most difficulty with are boundaries in sexual situations.
Sexual boundaries include how someone speaks to you during sexual activities, how they touch you, where they touch you, and how they treat you. Some examples include the boundary of having a partner get tested for STIs prior to sex, the boundary of wearing a condom, the boundary of no name-calling during intimacy, or the boundary of what is shown in sexy texts.
When you don’t communicate and set sexual boundaries, it’s more likely that you won’t be present during sex, enjoy intimacy, or feel connected to our partner. Due to everyone’s sexual boundaries being different, someone may expect you to want one thing due to their past sexual experiences with others, and that thing does not feel comfortable for you.
Talking About Sexual Boundaries When Dating
Initiating discussions about sexual boundaries can be intimidating, especially early in a relationship. Not many people feel comfortable casually mentioning “hey, I don’t feel comfortable when you bite my nipples” or “it doesn’t feel good when you call me certain names during sex,” especially if you’ve only known this person for a short time. However, ensuring mutual comfort and safety is integral to the dating experience.
When we are in the moment, and things may be getting hot and heavy, it’s often difficult to pause and communicate a boundary. Ideally, sexual boundaries are discussed prior to even entering the bedroom. A great way to bring up sexual boundaries can be “it’s important to me that we both feel comfortable when being intimate. Do you want to share a few things that you like and don’t like, and I can share with you some things that I like/don’t like during intimacy?”
This allows for the other person a space to also share their sexual boundaries. I often tell clients that sexual boundaries can be thought of as food allergies. When the waiter comes to your table and asks “any food allergies I should know about?” And if you don’t share your allergy to shellfish, you will probably feel on edge throughout the meal because what if there is shrimp in your soup? When we share our boundaries, we are much more likely to enjoy our meal and come back to the same restaurant again.
When Someone Doesn’t Respect your Boundaries
Boundaries and consent are inseparable. If someone disregards your boundaries, they undermine consent and can make you feel violated. Consider the restaurant analogy: you have disclosed your shellfish allergy to the waiter. You feel safe, knowing that your food won’t make you sick. Then, the chef says “in my opinion, this meal is so tasty with the shellfish, I think they will want it anyway.” Without informing you, you are eating a meal that is unsafe to you, despite your due diligence of informing the chef.
Ask yourself the question – was it appropriate that the chef decide what’s best for you? Similarly, in dating, no one has the right to override your sexual boundaries. If this occurs, it can damage your sense of safety and trust in future relationships.
After someone violates a sexual boundary, we can feel a lack of safety in future relationships. If this has happened to you, it can be helpful to speak with a sex therapist who specializes in sexual violations to support you in processing the experience, and provide you tools in how to feel safe during sex in the future.
An important aspect of sexual boundaries is their fluidity. What feels comfortable one day may change the next, and that’s perfectly normal. Continuous, open communication is key to ensuring that both your own and your partner’s sexual boundaries are respected and understood throughout your relationship.
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