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Exploring Internalized Mononormativity in Nonmonogamy

by | Jan 25, 2025 | LGBTQ, RELATIONSHIPS, SOCIAL ISSUES

Mononormativity

In recent years, the rise of nonmonogamy, also sometimes referred to as consensual non monogamy has sparked intriguing conversations, nudging even devoted monogamists toward intentional monogamy. Yet, many consensual nonmonogamous folks grapple with internalized mononormative beliefs that affect one’s experiences. Read on to begin unraveling the intricate threads of mononormativity and its impact on diverse nonmonogamous love lives.

 

What is Mononormativity?

 

Mononormativity, also known as compulsory monogamy, posits that monogamous relationships are the natural and ideal structure for romantic and sexual connections. In Western culture, mononormative ideals are reinforced culturally, institutionally, and legally, framing loyalty as paramount by excluding alternative relationship structures. This paradigm creates a fear based structure that views love as a scarce resource—something to be fiercely protected, lest it be lost.

 

It’s crucial to recognize that mononormativity impacts individuals across all relationship orientations and genders, but its effects are particularly pronounced for those who identify as women. For example, women often face harsher repercussions in divorce proceedings for adultery. Additionally, In many countries, laws regarding marital rape lag behind, treating women as property. Furthermore, societal stigma labels women with multiple sexual partners as “sluts” or “whores,” reinforcing a culture of shame and control over women’s sexual expression and choices.

 

These damaging beliefs extend beyond monogamous relationships, adversely affecting those who identify as nonmonogamous. Legal frameworks frequently complicate the establishment of nonmonogamous relationships, leading to serious negative consequences personally and relationally.

 

Nonmonogamous individuals may face job loss, housing evictions, or even custody battles due to their relationship choices. The pervasive influence of mononormativity not only shapes personal identities but also perpetuates systemic inequalities, making it vital to challenge these norms for a more inclusive society.

 

Internalized mononormativity negatively impacts nonmonogamous individuals and the quality of their relationships as they are on their road to self discovery. Minority stress shows up as nonmonogamous individuals are navigating a higher prevalence of mental and physical problems that are unique, chronic, and socially based. Many nonmonogamous individuals experience stigma on a daily basis such as disapproval, threats, and devaluation, which leads to feeling less satisfied with relational agreements and negatively impacts overall relationship quality.

 

What is the Impact of Mononormativity on Nonmonogamous Individuals?

 

Internalized mononormativity can have a profound negative impact on nonmonogamous individuals as they navigate their paths of self discovery. This pressure to conform to traditional monogamous ideals often leads to minority stress, a unique form of stress experienced by those in marginalized communities. Nonmonogamous individuals face a higher prevalence of mental and physical health issues, many of which stem from societal disapproval and stigma.

 

Daily, they may encounter disapproval, threats, or devaluation from others, which can take a toll on their emotional well being. This constant pressure can lead to feelings of isolation and dissatisfaction with their romantic relationships. When faced with societal judgment, many find it difficult to feel fulfilled in their relational agreements, often questioning their own worth and happiness.

 

As a result, the quality of their relationships may suffer, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. It is essential to create a more inclusive society that recognizes and values diverse relationship styles. By fostering understanding and support, we can help nonmonogamous individuals feel empowered and satisfied in their relationships, ultimately enhancing their overall quality of life.

 

How can you Begin to Unpack Mononormative Ideas?

 

Where does one begin to dissect and unpack mononormativity? Understanding and embracing nonmonogamous relationships can be a liberating journey, but it requires introspection and a willingness to question deeply ingrained beliefs. Here are some ways to feel more secure and empowered on this path.

 

First, examine the values behind your decision making. Norms are instilled in us from a young age through our families and society, shaping our perceptions of right and wrong. By asking yourself critical questions, you can uncover what is authentic for you and identify areas for personal growth that can enhance your nonmonogamous journey.

 

You may consider these questions from Ryan Engelstad article How to Question Your Beliefs and Why You Should as a starting point:

 

  1. When did I first start believing _________?
  2. Who taught me ___________?
  3. Did I question this teaching or seek to educate myself on the issue from multiple sources?
  4. What would it mean if I changed my mind on this issue? Who would it affect?
  5. Have I ever discussed this issue with someone who disagrees or sees it differently?

 

Engaging with a culturally competent or nonmonogamous informed therapist can also provide invaluable support. Such professionals create a safe, inclusive space for clients to confront challenging topics and explore their vulnerabilities. They approach therapy with an understanding of individual intersectionality and recognizing how societal norms shape personal experiences.

 

When seeking a culturally competent therapist, Jasmine Lynn Seales article, Cultural Competence in Therapy: What It Is and How to Find It considers discussing the following topics and questions when finding a potential therapist:

 

  1. Are you familiar with my culture, beliefs, and values, especially regarding mental health?
  2. Are you willing to learn more about my cultural background?
  3. Do you have experience working with clients from my cultural community?
  4. What competency training do you have that reflects the diverse identities I hold?

 

By fostering open dialogues and exploring these questions, you can begin to dismantle the restrictive notions of mononormativity. This process not only empowers you but also paves the way for more authentic connections and a deeper understanding of yourself and others in nonmonogamous relationships. Embracing this journey can lead to a richer, more fulfilling experience in love and connection.

 

Understanding the effects of mononormativity on nonmonogamous relationships is crucial for fostering authenticity in connection. By challenging these ingrained beliefs and seeking guidance from a therapist or coach, you can navigate your journey with confidence and create fulfilling, meaningful connections that reflect your true self. Embrace this exploration—freedom in love awaits.

Modern Intimacy is a group therapy practice, founded by renowned Psychologist and Sex Therapist, Dr. Kate Balestrieri. This inclusive blog is designed to provide a wealth of information and resources for mental health, relationships, and sexuality. Subscribe today to get the latest information from our expert contributors from all around the world.

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Author Bio

Emily Martinez, AMFT (she/they) is a clinical associate at Modern Intimacy who works with individuals, couples, and families around myriad mental health and sexuality issues/goals. Emily specializes in working with clients of all backgrounds, especially those who identify within diverse sexual orientation, relationship dynamic, and gender identity backgrounds.

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