There is a common and damaging belief that individuals who live with disabilities do not or cannot experience sexual pleasure, desire, sexual functioning, intimacy, or build healthy sexual relationships in the same ways as their able-bodied peers. These beliefs are rooted in layered stigmatizing and infantilizing assumptions that are damaging to all people.
Disability and Desire
According to the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) a disability is defined as “a person who has a physical or mental impairment that substantially limits one or more major life activity.” A disability can be physical, emotional, or cognitive. It is also important to understand that many disabilities are invisible.
They cannot always be seen just by observing or talking with a person. Some examples of disabilities include, but are not limited to, deficits in hearing, sight, motor function, mental and emotional functioning, learning, range of motion or spinal cord injuries and chronic pain. Disabilities can vary in severity and lived experience. They can be lifelong experiences or can be acquired at any stage of life and they can be major parts of one’s identity or not.
Regardless of the type and severity of the impairment, individuals with disabilities continue experience desire and seek close connected relationships, just like able-bodied folks. Individuals with disabilities, whether the disability is acquired or lifelong, should navigate sex and intimate relationships with curiosity and openness. It is important to understand that, like all human experiences, disability experience is varied and nuanced.
If you are a person who lives with a disability and you’re wondering if your experience with sexuality or desire is “normal” or “acceptable,” of course it is. All desire that respects boundaries and laws are normal, acceptable, and worth exploring. Above all, disability does not negate desire, pleasure, or connection.
Common Misconceptions About Sex and People with Disabilities
Dr. Danielle Sheypuk discusses in her Tedx Talks discussion there is an overwhelming belief that individuals who live with a disability are not sexual or cannot experience desire or arousal because they “have a disability to worry about.” There is also a common misconception that individuals with disabilities are asexual or experience desire and arousal in muted ways compared to able-bodied individuals.
Additionally, there is a belief that individuals with disabilities only engage in vanilla sex and do not have interest in Kink, BDSM, or other expansive pleasure practices. Of course, all of these beliefs are misconceptions; in fact, individuals with disabilities often have a broader range and acceptance for exploration.
For example, one’s physical disability often promotes creativity and openness when exploring sexually with themselves or with partners. There are many individuals who identify as both a kinky person, queer person, etc. and a person with a disability.
Individuals with disabilities come from broad range of sexual orientations, races, ethnicities, and religious backgrounds. Misconceptions about individuals with disabilities are harmful and limiting. These beliefs perpetuate a lack of sex education provided to individuals with disabilities and sex education is key to helping anyone navigate sexual relationships and intimacy with safety and consent.
Developing Healthy Sexual Relationships with Yourself and Others
The major limitation for individuals with disabilities who are navigating sex and sexual relationships are the limiting beliefs, misconceptions, and assumptions that folks make about them, not the disability itself. If you are an individual who lives with a disability, you may identify with the experience of being denied proper education about sex or an education that fits your needs.
You may have experienced individuals who view you as not being sexual at all because of your disability. You may not feel free to ask questions or explore your sexual orientation or gender identity in ways that your able-bodied peers have, but there are ways to create a healthier sex life with yourself and others. Here are some:
Understand the Sexual Impacts of Your Disability and Any Associated Medical Procedures
Speak with your medical doctor about the possible sexual impacts of your disability or any associated medical procedures. Advocate for yourself in medical settings to be sure you are aware of all the risks and implication of any medical procedure. Sexual implications are often glossed over or not discussed at all so it is up to you to bring them into the conversation.
Use Sex Toys and Positions that Increase Pleasure and Reduce Discomfort
Sex toys and specific positions can be important when working to decrease physical discomfort and increase pleasure. Be curious with yourself and open with your partners about your needs and how your body enjoys receiving pleasure. Do research on the best toys or mobility aids that could enhance your experience. You can also work with a sex therapist for guidance if you are unsure where to start.
Understand Your Own Erotic Blueprint
Understand the cognitive, emotional, motivating, and physical factors that aid in your sexual arousal. You might think of questions such as: where and how do you like to be touched, do you enjoy dirty talk, what is your preferred style of sex, what gets you excited and what can halt your excitement, who do you enjoy being sexual with, and where do you enjoy being sexual?
Work Through Body Image Concerns that Can Reduce Embodied Sexual Experiences
Having an embodied sexual experience is what makes sex fun, playful, and deeply enjoyable. If there are any barriers to experiencing pleasure in your body in the ways it feels accessible and right for you, then maybe it’s time to seek therapy or other specialized providers.
If you experience body image concerns, sexual shame, or pain during sex, a sex therapist and/or a medical doctor may be helpful in understanding and managing these concerns. If you are in a relationship, it may be helpful to reach out to a couple’s therapist. A couple’s therapist can help you become more connected and creative both sexually and intimately.
It is necessary to see all people as whole humas who experience the world through the intersections of all of the parts of themselves. Despite many misconceptions, individuals with disabilities experience pleasure, explore their sexuality, and create a healthy sexual relationship with themselves and others.
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