Rules, agreements, and boundaries — concepts that we have heard but do we truly understand what they are? Most fall into dating scripts that do not include intentionality. This is oftentimes due to living in a society that is based on compulsive monogamous relationship ideals. Regardless of your relationship orientation, most end up falling into these scripts making assumptions and feeling unfulfilled in their relationships.
The Difference Between Rules, Agreements, and Boundaries?
Rules, agreements, and boundaries. Many use them interchangeably but they are stand-alone concepts.
Rules
Rules are in place to control another’s behavior. Often when rules are created, they have consequences, and the other person does not have a say in them.
Rules do not leave room for context. It can leave individuals feeling restricted. In relationships, individuals often use them to control an unwanted emotional experience.
For simplicity, an example of a rule is, “if you do not finish eating all your food you will get your cell phone taken away”. This can be problematic because what about if you had a heavy lunch? In relationships, it can cause many to feel as if they do not have any agency and can take away from collaboration.
Agreements
Agreements are collaborative and negotiable. When individuals make agreements, each person has agency in providing the behavioral protocols and processes. Through experiences and situations, one learns what works and does not work, this makes agreements flexible. The biggest value of agreements is personal growth.
The difference between agreements and rules is that there are no ultimatums or consequences. For instance, an example of an agreement might be, “we will not have unprotected sex with one-night stands. This looks like, using condoms, dental dam, etc.” This example shows collaboration and clear guidelines agreed upon by all parties.
Boundaries
Boundaries are often set in response to a situation or behavior. Boundaries include expressed needs that will protect your time, space, safety, and energy. It is about prioritizing yourself and what you will consent to. Unlike rules and agreements, boundaries are not negotiable, debatable, and no punishment is involved.
Boundaries are not created to control or dictate another’s behavior. An example of a boundary, using the agreement example above, might be “if a one-night stand agreement is not followed then I will not have sex with you until you have an STI check”. This illustrates how the person will respond and how they will protect themselves as it pertains to sexual boundaries.
What Gets in the Way of Upholding your Agreements and Boundaries?
There are many reasons why one might create agreements from a place of inauthenticity or cannot enforce boundaries. When helping couples be more intentional in their relationship structures, the ideas around consent can help couples view how their values and beliefs impact their participation.
What does consent have to do with relationship agreements and boundaries? Many think consent has to do with only sex and physical touch but it is a much broader experience. In the triangle of consent, it states that there needs to be equal parts of agency, personal power, and communication to give full consent. Therefore, if an individual does not feel a sense of agency and power, they will likely not uphold their boundaries or fully participate in agreement-making.
Let’s break these concepts down:
Agency is understanding that we all can make choices for ourselves. This includes providing all the information for someone to make an informed choice. Also, the less you know someone, the less you should make assumptions about what information they need, their ability to understand it fully, and their capacity to make choices for themselves.
Power in oneself is knowing that your wants and needs are of value. Power cannot be talked about without understanding how privilege plays a role in feeling empowered. Depending on your race, gender, culture, financials, etc., that may impact an individual from feeling they have power in their choices. Questions to look at personal power are:
- What are some identities that you hold that are privileged? What are some identities that you hold that aren’t?
- Have you ever used your power to get what you want? How?
- How do power and privilege play a role in your relationship?
Lastly communication! Communication requires trust, vulnerability, and a willingness to give details. To achieve agency, acknowledge power, and reach consent, you must talk about it! As individuals continue to practice communicating consent both sexual and non-sexual, it will become a less nerving process.
When individuals are on their journey of consensual non monogamy individuals should feel that they are able to actively participate in their experiences.
How do you Start Creating Boundaries and Agreements?
Where and how do we start creating boundaries and agreements in non monogamous and open relationships? Let’s begin with agreements. It is important to be mindful of creating agreements related to actions, behaviors, and intentions and not from thoughts and feelings.
When making agreements from a space of thoughts and feelings that can often stem from controlling another person which falls into rules. Something to be mindful of is no matter where you fall under the nonmonogamous umbrella, connection is connection that cannot be controlled regardless of your relationship orientation. Individuals should feel a sense of safety and freedom as they develop in these nonmonogamous philosophies.
The following is a list of questions to ask yourself when you are in the process of creating agreements:
- What are the steps to handling conflicts and disagreements?
- How much information do we agree to share and how do we share?
- What are the parameters around engaging with multiple sexual partners?
- At what point do we discuss STIs with others?
- How do we want to practice safe sex?
- If there is a red flag about anything, what is the best way to share this info?
- How can we best own and share our feelings without taking away our freedom?
With boundaries, there can be boundaries around many categories such as but not limited to; physical, sexual, intellectual, emotional, and financial. To start creating boundaries individuals can sit with these categories with their partner(s) and explore the fears, desires, and expectations in these areas.
As best as you can try being vulnerable and honest when expressing your boundaries. The following is a list of questions and considerations when creating boundaries:
- What sort of boundaries might you see in a healthy relationship?
- How do your boundaries reflect your values?
- What challenges have you faced when trying to set healthy boundaries, and how did you overcome them (or, how could you overcome them)?
Hopefully, this article has allowed all to be more intentional in their exploration of nonmonogamy. There can be many complexities as one is building the house to their relationship structures. This is only but the start. For further exploration, it can be helpful to have a therapist or coach with whom you can explore these and various topics of nonmonogamy.
0 Comments